The PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER Cocktail for Earthlings

 According to Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is "like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick." It was invented by the ex-president of the Universe, Zaphod Beeblebrox, and is said to be the "Best Drink in Existence." Beeblebrox himself advised "never drink more than two Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters unless you are a thirty ton mega elephant with bronchial pneumonia". 
Though it cannot be truly replicated on Earth I had to give it the old Arthur Dent try. It was an interesting experience as I attempted to substitute earthly ingredients for galactic ones and still come up with a good cocktail recipe that an earthling could enjoy.
Both versions are below with my human interpretation annotated with my reasons for my substitutions.
(directly from the book):
"Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit.
Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V (Oh, that Santraginean seawater! Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).
Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.
Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet and mystic.
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.
Sprinkle Zamphuor.
Add an olive.
Drink... but... very carefully..."

  1. First, drape your towel over your shoulder!*
  2. Take 1 ounce of Juice from a bottle of Hayman's Old Tom Gin. (I figured Ol' Janx might be much like our Old Tom Gin, once gone from Earth and now revived.)
  3. Pour in 4 ounces of Cucumber Flavored Soda Water. (I'm pretty sure Santraginean seawater tastes a lot like this because soda has a lot of sodium aka salt and cucumber because it works well with gin and mint.)
  4. Add 3 Large Ice Cubes to a chilled cocktail glass.
  5. Add in 3 ounces of ice cold Hendrick's Gin. (These two were my thoughts on how to recreate the Arcturan Mega-gin.)
  6. Add a straw at this point and blow bubbles into the drink. (Easiest way I could think of to inject your own marsh gas and has the added benefit of stirring the cocktail.)
  7. Pour 1/4 ounce of Green Creme de Menthe over the back of a silver barspoon. (If there's anything close to a float of Qualactin Hypermint extract on earth, this is it.)
  8. Drop in 1 Sugar Cube Soaked in 4 drops of Scrappy's Firewater Tincture. (I'll bet these bitters are at least as exotic and fiery as any old Algolian Suntiger teeth.)
  9. Sprinkle on a dusting of Zaatar Spice. (Well, it's the only earthly spice blend that starts with a "Z"!)
  10. Slide in a strip of cucumber. (Sorry, an actual olive mixed with that creme de menthe made me gag.)
  11. Enjoy your drink and DON'T PANIC, one or two of these aren't "the alcoholic equivalent to a mugging; expensive and bad for the head." 
* “A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.” ― Douglas Adams
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